Anlov Record

Book 02, Chapter 20

“You’ll find that Hell works best in small doses.”-Len

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>Contact Code: KOH220

>Contact Date: (Data Redacted)

>Contact Location: Anlov Sphere, Metaverse (Redacted), Universe (Redacted), (X) Lightyears from (Redacted) Preserve.

>Contact Party: Anlov; Scholars; The Cardboard Box; Senior Lieutenant Geib Zevtroz

>Vessel Description: Capsule Type. Bullet Frame. Dimensions 6.1mX11.2mX12.4m. Multi Chambered. 1.5 Generation Equivalent Technology. No warp drive. Limited Shot Type Jump Drive, Expired. Nuclear Reactor with 43,000 years of remaining power. 3 shield generators, 1 dead.

>Contents of Capsule: Stasis pod, Life support system, 8 Computer systems. 9 Mainframes. 1 Internet Image System. 1 Back-up Internet Image System.

>Contents of High Importance: Stasis pod with live specimen. Internet Image System replicating an entire internet, time set to 20(XX) of its year. 1 Back Up Internet Image System replicating the same aforementioned entire internet, time set to 20(XX) of its year. Mainframes containing additional historical records.

>Number of Specimens: 1 (One)
>Specimen Biological Category: Bipedel Simian, Carbon Based, Oxygen Type
>Species Native Name Decoded: Affirmative; “Human”
>Specimen Native Name Decoded: Affirmative; Capsule signage indicates the name “William Phurnell”
>Specimen Code: Human 01

>Language Translation: Affirmative
>Computer Interface: Affirmative
>Communication Established: Affirmative
>Communication method: After 3.2 hours of decoding, Scholars had begun an interface between Anlov ship, The Cardboard Box, and KOH220. KOH220’s central computer is connected to the Specimen via a neural interface system while the body remains in suspended animation. The KOH220’s communication computer utilizes a room type system, with a required alias. Within, one can observe the Specimen’s voice and text transcript. On the other side, Scholars can only respond in text generated from speech after patching into the room. Interpretation is near instantaneous as all Human languages were translated within two hours and the ease of which Anlov systems interfaces with 1.5 Generation Tech.

>Transcript of First Contact: Affirmative. Attached.

>Table of Communications Parties
Geib Zevtroz: Chief
Pip-is Lyr: Spacer
Kazochi Edsium: Librarian
Ayabegei Rugebov: Doctor

And

Human 01: DSP

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TRANSCRIPT AS FOLLOWS

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Chief:: Hello, my name is Geib Zevtroz. What is your name?

DSP:: What kind of stupid name is that?! Yeah, hi, I’m Poopfart McDickAndBalls. What kind of marble mouth nonsense is that? 

Chief:: You can call me Chief. Nice to meet you, McDickAndBalls.

DSP:: (Goat laugh) Don’t use your real name, there’s a bunch of sick in the head mentally ill people out there. And if you’re new to the streams, just to forewarn you, get ready to block a lot of people. I have a bunch of no life losers who like to harass anyone on my streams that are positive. Are you new here? How did you find the stream?

Chief:: I think so. Are you aware of where you are right now?

DSP:: Uh, yeah? I’m on stream, moron. You see the name? DSPGaming? Right there on the page? Are you blind? That’s me, DarkSydePhil, Phil Burnell. First day on Earth? Hello! Hello Martian! Now if you’re done derailing the stream, I was in the middle of the podcast.

Chief:: Your name is not Poopfart McDickAndBalls?

DSP:: {Chief was banned} Alright, getting rid of this idiot. Fucking dunce. Now that he’s banned, I can get back to what I was saying! These idiots come in, trying to derail. These no life losers want to make everything about themselves, when I am out here working hard on MY STREAM. 

Chief:: <I was disconnected from the interface. What happened?>

Chief:: <Oh, I can reconnect.>

Spacer:: <It’s in the system of a live stream. Banning tosses you out.>

Librarian:: <Perhaps it’s the most stable interface for this system of suspended animation.>

DSP:: I wish you guys would get a life. I’ve proven that I’m still going to be here for as long as I WAN. And you’ll like it. Okay? I’ve been doing this for over 17,000 years! How? By providing quality content to a curated audience who finds my work meaningful. I’m not going anywhere because real intelligent people actually like me. Get it, Chief?!

Chief:: I’m not sure I understand, no.

Doctor:: You mentioned Earth. Is that where you are from? Can you locate it on a starchart?

DSP:: {Doctor was banned} {Chief was banned} More of this nonsense. You guys are so lame. I have no idea what you’re talking about. Yeah, I have NO idea what you’re talking about. I’ll tell you what happened to Earth. It got infested by stupid people like you. Bunch of mouth drooling morons who want to say dumb memes so you can feel included in your circle jerking, dumb, basement-dwelling parasocial communities. And they’re not communities! They’re fake. Just a bunch of stupid idiots making up dumb shit.

Librarian:: I’m new here, can you tell me about yourself?

DSP:: Welcome…home. My name is DarkSydePhil, Phil Burnell, and I do raw, unedited content covering games, fooood, and uh….. uh hold on. My hair is. Ugh. My hair won’t… hold on. (Exasperated sigh) Hold on. I’ll be right back.

Spacer:: <What the hell is this? He’s still right there.>

Chief:: <I have no idea.>

Librarian:: <Many cultures have unusual eccentricities.>

Doctor::  <This specimen said he has been doing this for 17,000 years. If that is true, that he has been in stasis for that long, brain deterioration would be inevitable.>

DSP:: Okay, I’m back. I finally got my hair under control. See, it’s been so hot here, it’s been a brutal heat wave, and in this office, with all my equipment, it uh…becomes a….uh… oh god, I’m having a brain fart. It’s uh….

Spacer:: A sauna?

DSP:: A SAUNA! It took me a while to remember. I should probably take another sip of my coffee. (Raspy, dying laugh).

Spacer:: Happy to help.

DSP:: A SAUNA! A literal sauna, and I’m dying here, and my hair gets all oily and it turns into, well, just look at it. Ugh. It’s soooo stuffy in here. Of course the weather people were wrong. These idiots don’t know anything. They should all be fired! They need to all be tossed out into the streets and bring in new people who know what the fuck they’re doing.

Chief:: You were talking about what content you cover.

DSP:: I’m getting to it! Relax! Just relax! Stop freaking out in chat! I cover video games, fooood, uh… pop culture. And uh, whatever comes up. I chill with my audience and provide meaningful, chill content. I never hurt anybody, I don’t bring people down. I provide positive content that is uh… (Snort) uh excuse me. How disgusting. (Snort) Uh, content that is uh… content that is uh…. stands the test of time.  And don’t listen to the internet with its hivemind of mouthdroolers, or those slanderous Detractor documentaries where everything they say is 100% completely made up or out of context. If you want the real story, you will ask me because no one else is going to tell the truth because they profit from it. I have no reason to lie.  But they do, to get clicks and engagement, to talk to their circle of parasocial weirdos. I could sue them all and win easily. In a normal court of law, the judge would look at these fuckers for 10 seconds and I would win. I would get all their money, all their houses, they would owe money to me for the rest of their lives. (Snort) But they should get on their knees and thank god that I don’t have time for that. I’m too busy streaming 6 days a week. I’m a blue collar worker, and they have never worked a day in their lives. 

Spacer:: DSP, Burnell, do you realize we’re alien life forms and we’re making first contact with you?

DSP:: {Spacer was banned} (Exasperated sigh) Ugh….again with this. Get some new material. I don’t know you’re stupid memes. I don’t care what stupid kiddy shit you joke about on your illegal restreams. No one with brains finds your dumb memes funny. Here, HERE in the real world, we have lives, jobs, people who you know, care about us, you know…meaningful things going on, we don’t care about your lamebrain stupid memes.

Spacer:: Who is WE? You’re alone in that capsule.

DSP:: {Spacer was banned} How many sock accounts did you make? This is proof. I just prooooved it live on stream. Post THIS video.  This is proof that they have no one in their lives, no jobs, no hobbies. This guy spent all day creating sock accounts just to get banned as me and the chat laugh at you. I proved it! (Shrill, cancerous laughter) You got caught the fuck out! And now everyone is laughing at you!

Spacer:: <What do we do?>

Doctor:: <There must be a way to get through to him. Perhaps this is the system for Humans. Perhaps Humans communicate through verbal abuse.>

Librarian:: <The cataloging process of the internet is at 47%. >

Chief:: <Should I give it a try? Should I lay into him? What if this causes a diplomatic incident? I don’t know why, but I REALLY want to lay into him.>

DSP:: NOW! If you’ve been enjoying this chill prestream, free of all the stupid drama, please support. I’ve checked and we haven’t gotten any support for the last…oh my god… 17,000 years! Uh…. That’s not going to work. What happened? Look, and this is the honest truth. This is bullshit. I’m here, playing the games you wanted.  You all in chat have been wanting more chill, positive streams. But here I am streaming, entertaining you, busting my ass, and we made nothing all stream. It just seems like you people are fucking lazy. People don’t want to come out and support even after they promised to! Instead its bullshit reasons like, “Oh Phil, you’re boring” or “your commentary is annoying!” Bullshit. I’m here, providing quality content and you should support quality content! Cmon! Let’s rally and show these loser trolls in chat what real, meaningful positivity looks like! Let’s get some subs, let’s get tips, let’s get some Chaps, let’s get some uh… let’s get some Qwoins.

Spacer:: Is that money? Are you asking for money?

Chief:: The Human is begging aliens for money?

DSP:: {Spacer was banned} {Chief was banned} That’s not begging. That’s advertisement. See, you fucking losers don’t know anything about being a real man, a real working man. This is not just my hobby. This is my job. Okay? A job? Ever heard of one of those? No, you’ve never heard of it. You sit there in your mom’s basement, in your stupid calls, with your circle-jerking weirdo cult, while real people are out here working. Because we have lives, and responsibilities. You’re just some kid, sitting there with NOOO idea how the world works. This is my job. I depend on crowd funding to keep my business going, to pay for bills. Your mommy pays your bills! So yeah, I’ll ask for money, and you’ll like it! And the Detractors will go on, making hurtful content and get paid! I’m different! My situation is different! I can’t get sponsorships because of the Detractors and their bullshit! You created the problem! I never asked for money in the past! But you lame brain Detractors make up a bunch of slander, cost me sponsorships, even though I did nothing wrong, and then say “OH HE’S BEGGING! HE’S BEGGING!” Yeah, because of you! Fuck you. No, I mean that! Fuck you!

Chief:: Hey, I’m new here. Who are the Detractors?

DSP:: Okay so back in 2010 I lost my helicopter job, and uh, it was complete bullshit. I didn’t uh, do anything wrong. They completely fucked me over! And so I had been recording these videos, and I thought, I should try to do this for a living. I made good money from it. And I like blew up. White hot popular.  Now I never took this seriously. My content was always shoot-from-the-hip, improv style content. I would play the games and give my honest commentary. But it wasn’t serious. I would get home, have a couple drinks and just play. But then I played /REDACTED/. And I played like any other game. I wasn’t taking it seriously. I was just playing, and blaming /REDACTED/ for everything. People understood that it was all a joke. But all of my complaints were legitimate. It was a buggy piece of shit. And then some loser, some no life loser made a compilation of me called This Is How You Don’t Play. He took all my footage out of context to say that I sucked at the game, when I wasn’t even playing for real! And people were so pissed! These fan boys who said the game had no flaws were sooooo mad that I insulted their god. ‘How dare you not kiss the game’s butt! Don’t you know /REDACTED/ is a perfect masterpiece? And now we hate you!’ And it started this hate campaign against me. It became trendy to hate on DarkSydePhil. Everyone treated me like I was the devil. And they competed! Those This Is How You Don’t Plays would include those comments from the videos. They would compete to say the most nasty, vile shit. Sick, messed up shit. Racism, doxxing… And that’s where this all started. No one had an issue with me before that. But then overnight, I’m the devil, I’m the worst person of all time. And it is all because of them! But they would compete to get their nasty comments in the video. It was soooo bad that my long-time viewers were telling me to do something about it. They overwhelmingly told me I had to turn the comments off. They said, no lie, just being real with you, they would say. Hold on. My hair is messed up. Hold on. Okay. They would say. Well, you want to know the truth? My viewers were saying, ‘Phil, we want to watch your videos, but the comments are sooooo bad that I can’t focus on the video.’ And you know what, I agree! It was terrible. Just hateful comments! You’re trying to watch my videos and you can’t even watch without a bunch of hateful, sick shit in the comments. You would say, “what the fuck is this shit?” So I turned off all the comments because I was begged to. But it was too late. I did nothing wrong and now I have this army of no life, dickless losers following me around, saying I’m a racist, I’m a sexist, saying I’m the devil. 

Spacer:: Why couldn’t they just scroll up and not look at the comments?

DSP:: {Spacer was banned} No you fucking idiot. God, see this is what I’m talking about. Just a bunch of dunces who take what I say and twist it. The comments were toxic and negative. They were SPAMMING the comments with horrible HORRIBLE shit. Things about me, about my ex, death threats, doxxing. You don’t know what I went through. And it is a FACT that this was being done to get in those videos. That’s a FACT! The bottom line is this: No one ever had anything negative to say about me before that.

Librarian:: Looking into this. It would appear you were being thoroughly criticized for years before this. You even responded in forums to it.

DSP:: {Librarian was banned}

Doctor:: We are getting away from a critical subject. How does this align with Humans and Earth? DarkSydePhil, can you answer that?

DSP:: {Doctor was banned} *Exasperated Sigh* Again this stupid Detractor Meme. I’m going to ignore it, but it says ‘TELLUSWHATHAPPENEDTOHUMANSANDEARTH!!!!’ I have no idea what you’re talking about. I don’t know your lame brain detractor memes. People here, with intelligent brains, heads that are screwed on right, don’t know what your dumb memes mean. You’re stupid. SORRY! Sorry you’re stupid!

Chief:: Your Detractors are people who started hating you for no other reason than because of a hate campaign because you didn’t play a video game correctly? 

DSP:: I know! It’s crazy! When I tell people off stream, EVERYONE always says, ‘wow that’s fucked up! They should be arrested,” and you know what, I agree! These people are psychos. They’re going to hurt someone someday. And, you wanna know the truth, I’ve been saying this for years. Someday, one of these fuckers is gonna go nuts and shoot up, I shouldn’t say shoot up. But they will do something heinous and it won’t be me! But even back then it wasn’t that bad. The Sons of /REDACTED/ were terrible, but at least they had a code of… I guess I ugh (Snort) ahem. AHEM Hold on. HACKKKKKackkkckc Ahem. Excuse me. MMMMMM… ACCCKKK. Ackhm. Ugh. Anyway.  uh yeah… what was I saying?

Spacer:: What the hell was that?

DSP:: {Spacer was banned}

Chief:: Sons of /REDACTED/, I believe?

DSP:: That’s right. Now the Sons of /REDACTED/. OH I JUST GOT A DONATION FROM POOPSTER. and it says “Phil, if you could be any kind of cheese, what kind would you be?” Well, that’s a stupid question. I’m not cheese. Kikikikiki fucking idiot. Thanks for the donation though. That brings us to…WOW Not even 5 dollars! Uhhhhhh!!????! Look, I’m gonna be matter of fact with you. You know me, I’m an honest guy. This is my lowest supported stream I’ve had in months. Hello everyone in chat! See me here, streaming, providing the content? Hello? Do you know, see a streamer in front of you? Look, this is my job. I got here because of my longevity, providing quality content, and you support it. But the support isn’t coming in! Come on guys!

Chief:: DSP, you were talking about the Sons of /REDACTED/.

DSP:: YES! I know that! What, do you have ADHD or something?! I’m an interactive streamer. Someone gave me money and I’m not a scammer, so I’m interacting. Fucking idiot. You don’t know how life works. Here, this will calm you down. Go sit outside and think about what you’ve done. {Chief was banned} Hold on. HUUUUUUKKKKK  ACHHHHKKKKK  AHEM AAHHHHHEEEMMM (Snort) HUGHHHHH UGHHH Uh Uh. That’s disgusting.

Spacer:: Feeling better? That sounded like a good one.

DSP:: {Spacer was banned} Now! As I was saying. Hold on. ……. (Burp). Ah, excuse me. Anyway. They had a sort of sense of honor. They wouldn’t let anyone monetize anything. And they were trying to help me improve. None of my Detractors nowadays want me to improve. They just want to say I do everything wrong but never tell me how to improve. My detractors now are WAYYYY WORSE. They’re just mentally ill….psychos! If someone made a documentary about THEM, they would all get exposed as WAAAY worse than me.

Librarian:: Records show he called the Sons of /REDACTED/ psychos in the same way he is saying now. He’s reiterated that multiple times.

DSP:: {Librarian was banned} Okay, no, I never said that. That was a million years ago and out of context. Sure I said that, but that was back then. They fucked with me sure, but not like the ones today. But the Sons of /REDACTED/ had their heyday. They were fucking psychos. They helped start this hate campaign against me. And the Detractors that came after latch onto EVERYTHING! They make toxic and negative memes about everything. Like with “The Incident”.

Chief:: Incident?

Librarian:: Incident?

Spacer:: What’s that?

Doctor:: What was The Incident?

DSP:: The Incident. Oh god, the Incident. You want to know the real truth? The honest truth. It wasn’t a big deal. It was a really minor thing. I was starting up the stream and I guess I left the camera on and I accidently streamed myself masturbating.

Doctor:: This specimen is clearly brain damaged.

Chief:: (Laughter)

Spacer:: (Laughter)

Librarian:: (Laughter)

DSP:: {Doctor was banned} {Chief was banned} {Spacer was banned} {Librarian was banned} Now you couldn’t see much. Just the top of my chest and my head. But that’s what I was doing. I never denied it. Now I took it in good stride. It was embarrassing but what could I do?

Chief:: (Laughter)

Spacer:: (Laughter)

Librarian:: (Laughter)

DSP:: {Librarian was banned} {Chief was banned} {Spacer was banned}

Spacer:: Bring it up! Librarian, can you find it? Is it on the Human internet?

DSP:: {Spacer was banned} LOOOT of fucking morons out today.

Chief:: Find it immediately! Put it on the main screen!

DSP:: {Chief was banned}

Chief:: (Uprorarious laughter) HOLY SHIT!

Spacer:: (Uprorarious laughter)

Librarian:: (Laughter)

DSP:: {Librarian was banned} {Chief was banned} {Spacer was banned} Look at all these idiots on sock accounts! Here they come, the loser Detractors. There’s hundreds! Let’s get them all out of here. (Sigh) How much of a loser do you have to be to make so many accounts? Banned. Banned. Banned.

Spacer:: Play it again, watch his eyes roll! (Laughter)

Librarian:: Oh, the camera’s on! (Laughter)

Doctor:: (Laughter)

Chief:: (Laughter) How did you not kill yourself on the spot? I would have set myself on fire.

DSP:: {Librarian was banned} {Chief was banned} {Spacer was banned} {Doctor was banned} Yes, yes, I know, chat is full of scumbags today, just gonna ban the whole chat. Just ignore them. They want to hijack the stream and they only get worse if you give them attention.

Librarian:: What he said wasn’t true, by the way. The internet record states he tried to deny it, banning anyone who brought it up. Then he responded with childish petulance, before cynically trying to profit off it.

DSP:: {Librarian was banned}

Doctor:: (Laughter) Ahem. Okay. That was certainly… disarming. But we should focus on the matter of the state of Humanity.

Librarian:: The recovered internet is nearly 72% cataloged. You’ll have to get the answer from there. He’s not going to be a reliable source of information.

DSP:: {Doctor was banned} {Librarian was banned} And I’ve said this a million times, it’s got to be the most embarrassing moment of my life and uhm, achm achm (Snort) And uh, I had been unhappy with my ex. It’s nothing new. If you morons did even ten minutes of research, you’d know that.

Chief:: Who was your ex? Why did you break up?

DSP:: {Chief was banned} Okay you idiot. You’re gone. THAT’S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS!! She’s not part of my content anymore and people like to keep bringing it up like it matters. People who keep bringing it up are fucking losers. That was a million fucking years ago, but you Detractors keep bringing it up like it means anything. I’m trying to do a relaxed, chill style hang out and you mouthdroolers have to ruin everything. You have this idiot, who I’m just going to ignore, asking how we broke up. That’s none of your business! Now, the reason why we broke up was… (Sigh) you wanna know the truth? We were going–

Librarian:: Did it have something to do with a hospital visit?

DSP:: {Librarian was banned} See, that’s what I’m talking about! That’s slander! They just MAKE SHIT UP. Just make it up and treat it like it’s a fact. You just believe the lies because you’re too stupid to listen to the real truth. Get this fucking idiot out of here. No, so what happened was-

Spacer:: I found the video of it. Putting it on main screen.

DSP:: {Spacer was banned} What the fuck ever. I’m done with all this. These fuckers are going to ride my coat tails forever. You’re going to keep making your toxic and negative content for your braindead mouthdrooling loser weirdo fans. You can’t handle the fact that I’m successfully floating through space. It’s INSANE jealousy. You’re jealous that I can float through space, surviving the nuclear cataclysm that killed all life on Earth, having chill positive streams while you have to work your lame 9 to 5 job flipping buuuhrgers. You wish you had been as smart as me. You wish you had been selected to be put in this stasis pod. I EARNED this from the decades of blood, sweat, and tears uploading videos of my raw, authentic gameplay. It’s sad. It really is. It’s sad that there are people out there who want to try to bring me down when I’m the last surviving Human. I’m the one who survived the fires of nuclear annihilation! ME! RE! It’s because of my hard work, and my logical mind that I’m still doing this successfully! That fucking figures that so called intelligent alien life would be the same kind of stupid, fucking losers I had to deal with on Earth. Even aliens are braindead. I tried! I really tried to have a chill, positive first contact with these aliens and look how I’m mistreated!

Chief:: You said earlier you had no idea what we were talking about regarding Humanity and Earth.

DSP:: {Chief was banned} Alright, you’re gone. Fucking Idiot. I never said that. Literally never said that. That’s it. I’m done with all that drama and we can move on positively. Now, we have gotten no contributions in hours. Guys, I want this to be a successful stream. I’m playing the new games you wanted. You wanted me to play this, so put your money where your mouth is. I REALLY need to recover from the past 17,000 years of low support. If you’re enjoying my content, if you’re enjoying my endless drifting through space, SUPPORT IT! SO GUYS! LET’S GET SOME SUPPORT RIGHT! NOW! (Burp)

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END OF TRANSCRIPT (1 OF 47)

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Report from Lead Scholar
Reporter: Senior Lieutenant Geib Zevtroz

It never loses its wonder, its fear, its sense of trepidation, its excitement. Your hands go clammy but somehow also dry. There’s not a person who’s not excited by it: The contact with a new life form.

It was with great exuberance that we made contact with this life form, with even greater excitement that such communication was so easy. We were able to translate their languages in a matter of minutes. We had great assistance from the internet that was stored aboard the pod.

The individual in the capsule identified as DarkSydePhil. Let me say, of all of our understandings of the peoples of the cosmos, I don’t think it’s possible to find someone as insurmountably stupid as this individual. Truly brainless. His cognitive processing is embarrassingly low. But the thing is, he’s not disabled, or rather he hasn’t degraded from time in that capsule. In reading the diagnostic tests from the capsule, there is less than a 2% variation in the neural map since he was first put in there. 

It appears he’s always been like this. He’s a narcissist. He’s an idiot. He’s an ass-hole. He’s myopic. He’s oblivious. He’s naive. He’s utterly lost as to his own station in life. He can’t articulate where he stands in the world. He operates mostly off of some sort of weird idealism for himself. He sees himself in quite the positive light. Not so much out of optimism or hope, but out of delusion.

From what we can understand from what we’ve analyzed from the data on the stored internet, this guy was always a monumental loser. He was never able to accomplish much of anything in his life. Not only that, but he publicly broadcasted his status as a perpetual loser, all while boasting of his infinite, yet invisible, success. Truly a perennial failure.

Things such as economics were something that he had virtually no understanding of. He operated under the assumption that it would just keep accumulating, that the number would just go up. His understanding of the infrastructure for economic systems is monumentally foolish. It’s based on a sort of idealism that money naturally comes to a person of virtue (of which he has none), and therefore, the money would be endless and owed to him as a matter of nature.

He doesn’t understand anything. Take his abysmal understanding of art. He can’t tell you why art is good. He can’t tell you why anything is good. He can only guess it based on his emotional state at the time. But if asked to replicate art, he can only give basic facsimiles or empty labels that mean nothing beyond blather.

He’s fond of using the word meaningful, but in a painful irony, it means nothing. What is meaningful? Are you meaningful? Am I meaningful? Is this report meaningful? Only DarkSydePhil would be able to tell you. There’s no system of measurement, no ruleset to decipher it. However, know this, whatever definition you could use, it would be wrong right up until the second he needs to use it. Then afterwards, it returns to being wrong.

I must say this encounter has left me bewildered. For the first time in my life, I feel like kicking a newfound marvel of nature and science back into the merciless void. Of all my interactions with alien life, none have left me so amused, bemused, and annoyed. Such a disgusting piece of crap. He reminds me too much of the worst people of Sayr. Still, to give him credit, he is amusing if only because never have I seen such concentrated buffoonery. And he has accomplished some impressive deeds, though most assessments would easily see that sheer fortune was more responsible than any of his own actions.

He convinced himself that stubborn commitment to self-destruction is actually determination. He doesn’t stop. He doesn’t assess himself. He doesn’t quantify any sort of metric of success that he hasn’t already cleared. He’s a success in his eyes only because he exists. Everything is as it should be and everything is perfect, but everything is terrible and everything is an attack. Everything is irreparable, but also everything is working as designed. He’s in a constant state of contradiction with himself. He advocates for things that he forgets about tomorrow and then tomorrow advocates for something else that will be forgotten on the day after. And twenty days later, he’ll insist that anyone who advocated for the first thing was an idiot.

It’s a frustrating nightmare.

His understanding of oppositional forces comes from a childish perspective. Enemies exist solely to hurt him, and what hurts him is when anything impedes his disorganized actions. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s a cyclical logic. “You hurt me by existing, and you exist by hurting me.” His constant victim complex stems from a poor understanding of his own role in things. He might nominally blame himself in some sort of performative way, but in general sees himself as a burning light of perfection that is merely momentarily dimmed by an external shadow. And his self blame is still your fault in a roundabout way. All that stops him in his eyes are these small roadblocks that are gigantic in scale, and only when they are easily and agonizingly removed, his flourishing would be astronomical.

His cruelty is limitless in pairing with his victim complex. He looks for any and all opportunities to be cruel to others. He has mutated the idiom “the truth hurts” to the justification “I hurt you, therefore I speak the truth.” He will viciously attack you, striking you from nowhere, bludgeoning the back of your head. The poor fool who touches his own wound and turns to Phil, should he even tilt his head in confusion, Phil will screech that he himself is the victim. There are many instances of him being truly lost as to why people would ever respond with an unkind word after he had gone out of his way to attack them. It matters not what side of the hill he is on. If your station is below him, how dare you presume to stand on equal footing as him. If you are positioned above, how dare you strike down at him, who is so helpless. Throughout, he attacks with the most euphoric, almost orgasmic glee, completely justified in his own mind. But when consequences circle back, he delivers only the most pathetic bleating in defense.

Furthermore, DarkSydePhil is a liar. It’s a first, that I know of, to have a first contact with such a direct perspective on reality. In this case, along with him came two copies of the internet from his world, snapshotted in time. This internet has extensive data and information regarding him, and from it, we deduced that nearly everything he said was a lie. The data is frankly shocking in scale for what appears to be such an average person. There was nothing too big nor too small that he said that wouldn’t later turn out to be a lie. It’s rather impressive.  He lies about things that take 10 seconds to check. He lies about a lie an hour ago with a new lie 30 minutes later before lying with a lie about the lie a couple seconds ago. And in a few minutes, he will lie that he never lied once in his life. As he is a creature ruled by emotions and primal impulses, he lies out of necessity. For him, any answer he gives should always be good enough.

And his greed! While learning more about him, I suspected he might have some connection to Sayr. But Earth doesn’t lie anywhere near Sayr. His business would charge people for opportunities to give him more money. He rewarded them by eating their money directly in front of them. And even during that feast, of which he solely ate, you were expected to continue giving him money. And the video of him eating was expected to get him money. There is never enough. He demanded from and exploited the infirm and vulnerable, living a life built upon their lives. And it was NEVER enough. Throughout, he was never grateful. Sometimes he would be forced to grovel for money, and as soon as some threshold was met, would dance in celebration at how he was a success. But after a few hours, the insatiable hunger returns, demanding more and more money. Poor fools would say, “Phil, I have no more money to give” and his fury would be released. He would attack people for daring to not sacrifice for him. And after you were thrown from his one-sided paradise, you had the option to pay him to consider forgiving you. He operates with the Sayr legal system!

Likewise, I have never seen anyone outside of Sayr that has such a poor understanding of the material reality of things. He has not even a toe in the material understanding of reality. Not even a toe in the tangible understanding of life and existence. But with the direct feedback from the Human internet, we see that this guy lives in a state of lies. And because he lives in an intangible reality and not in a grounded existence, his fate is doomed from the onset. He’s unable to deal with real issues. He can’t conceptualize real solutions and can’t comprehend real feedback.

He’s left to drift in a world of eternal illusion. An illusion that somehow feels more real than real. He is in many ways a prisoner of his own brain. His brain is a car with the emergency brake still active. If only it had been released, the car might finally be able to move forward. Unfortunately, he simply can’t. There’s a terror in accepting defeat. There’s a terror in accepting reality. And for that reason, his demolition and decay became inevitable.

This brings about a big question: why was DSP sent? Why was DarkSydePhil sent by Humanity? There’s some indication that Humanity had another person in mind, but for whatever reason, it was DarkSydePhil that was sent instead.  He has a sort of invincible luck to him that is truly unique, truly incredible.

In a tragic way, he serves as a warning about Humanity and ourselves. The included internet is thorough and complete. It’s entirely self functional, all of the records from Humanity preserved in digitization. It has been nearly entirely encoded and copied into our drives. In the process of this analysis, we have made a shocking discovery about Humanity. One would think DarkSydePhil would represent some statistical anomaly, some freak of nature. Imagine our shock when we came to the realization that DSP does in fact represent Humanity.

Humanity, seen through its history, its actions, its voices, and its relationship with itself, is everything that I’ve described DarkSydePhil as. All of his personal issues can be applied to Humanity as a whole. Everything.

In a cosmic irony and in an absurd confluence of events, Humanity sent its best representative to show exactly who they were.

Humanity from the grave would no doubt protest this assessment. They would of course plead, “No, while we did many bad things, we did many good things too!” Yet, when you look at the totality of DarkSydePhil, the good was simply not enough. What good DSP did was often accidental, basic inevitability, self-preservation, preformative gestures, or used to better facilitate exploitation. Or when direct consequences otherwise were immediate and undeniable. Any protests another Human could have would only operate like DSP’s protests and desperately try to excuse away their failings while insisting that the minority or non-existent beneficial deeds they did should supersede their ignorance and malice.

Life is defined by their majority elements. Humans are defined by their cruelty, their indifference, their stupidity, their ignorance, their pettiness, their greed, their self glorification, their hypocrisy, their ego, their buffoonery, their phantasmal idealism, and their myopia.  DarkSydePhil, in function, hates himself and commits himself to destroy himself. So too with Humanity. Humanity hated itself. It destroyed itself. It couldn’t confront the material reality around them because they were too occupied fighting eternal idealistic battles that were simultaneously simple and impossible. They chased flickering whims right up until the very moment they fell over dead. They sequestered themselves in caves and drowned in the ashes of the world they lit on fire. Their mouths, agape in anguish, went silent with pitiful blaming crusted on their lips. No doubt their last laments rhymed with, “There was nothing I could do. I did nothing wrong. I did everything correct.”

Humanity was one of many species who were just too childish to break free from gravity, both of the soul and of the planet. From the records, Humanity made an attempt at space colonization. They failed because they barely tried. As with DSP, they felt that 10% effort should be rounded up to 100% success.

The more I read about them, the more I find Humanity disgusting and repulsive. To me, they got exactly what they deserved. With DarkSydePhil, every failing he suffered was deserved. There was seldom a debate, and so too with Humanity. Humanity would be a blight on the cosmos. With Ruuthsgathga and Sayr, we have no shortage of horrendous neighbors. Imagine the inevitable war they would launch. An entire empire of DarkSydePhils… Gleefully charging into the most self destructive, idiotic war. They would crash their own planets into us while labeling us the aggressors, begging for money, and demanding we hand over all of our technology because they convinced themselves that they invented all of it first.

Humanity will be judged by the dark side. It’s judged by its actions and history. And that is manifested pretty damn well in DarkSydePhil. An embarrassing lot, Humans. I’m thankful that Anlov will not have to deal with these kinds of cretins. We have enough issues of our own to deal with besides even a galaxy full of DarkSydePhils.

The verdict I render to Humanity is that they did not free their souls from gravity. It takes knowledge, strength, character, courage, and unity. It takes living in the material reality. It takes honesty.

Humanity, the perennial failure,

failed to inherit the stars.

–End of report–