Book 2, Chapter Dreams 000
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“It’s morning.”
It’s morning. Or so I’m told. I step out and stretch my arms. I always know how far I can move my arms. Not much. Not with this girl in the way.
“Watch it!” she barks as my hand swats her head.
“You slept in,” I say.
“I’m awake now,” she grumbled.
Yunara was shorter than me. But she stands so tall. She had the eyes of the predator animals we learned about. Or so I’m told.
I follow her down the narrow halls of the Crucible, which annoys her as I get too close. But many people are moving along with us, so what would she want me to do?
The youths of Bunch 6 all filed into the commons area. The lines had already started forming at the lavatories. Immediately, the positions were being jockeyed for. People traded, bartered for their places. This was against the rules. But it didn’t matter.
Lines had already formed at the food counters. And the positions were being jockeyed for too. Again, it was against the rules. Or so I’m told.
We have a choice in the morning: empty or fill. You can choose to use the lavatory first, but the best foods will be gone or cold. If you choose to eat first, you will be in pain throughout as the call to piss roars at you. Like those predator animals we were taught about. I think they had roared.
I had waited to use the lavatory yesterday, so today I got in the food line. The food is a series of different colored shapes. They all taste more or less the same. I do like the red ones. They taste the most different. They are “spicy”. That’s what the teachers taught us about taste anyway. It’s a fun pain.
I sit at a table and am soon joined by Yunara and one of our friends, Ruden. He’s not really my friend. It was quiet at first.
“Did you dream last night?” Ruden asked. He always asks this.
“You ask this every day,” Yunara replied for me. “What will make today different?”
She was loud. There was no need for it. Our world is so small, so crowded. Why would she need to? But she was answering for me, so that’s fine.
“I think I dreamed last night,” Ruden said.
“Oh yeah?” I asked, half interested, eating my spicy food. “What did you dream of?”
He looked away, towards a blank wall.
“I dreamed I didn’t see that,” he answered.
“See what?” Yunara asked.
“The wall,” he replied.
I looked up at them, but mostly looked at Yunara, who looked back at me. I shrugged.
“What did you see instead?” I asked
“It was blue,” he said after a pause.
“Blue what?” Yunara asked.
He was still looking at the wall. “Just blue.”
He then turned back to face us. “Do you think it was the sky? Or the sea? I remember the elders telling us about the seas of the old world. And I saw that picture of the sky. It was kind of like that.”
“I have no idea. Never seen anything but pictures,” I answered, wiping my mouth on my napkin.
“Were there fluffy things? I heard the sky had fluffy things,” Yunara asked.
“No,” he answered quickly.
“Why don’t you ask Paksha?” I suggested while pointing my head at a table not far.
“He dreams all the time. Dreams so much that he does it while awake,” I explain.
Paksha was only a little older than me by a few cycles. He’s handsome, or so I’m told. He was always talking about going to the new world and how he would do so much while there.
“He’s your opposite,” Yunara said to me. “You don’t dream at all because you don’t have dreams.”
I didn’t respond. Didn’t see a reason to. She wasn’t wrong. I don’t think about that stuff. He thinks about it all the time. The new world? Old world? We know neither, right? We’re here now.
Later, myself and several others from Bunch 6 were mingling after our classes. We were always given time to rest ourselves before doing the evening tasks.
“What did you dream about?” Paksha said.
He was a likable guy. I never had an issue with him. I guess I just found him boring.
“I saw blue.” Ruden said.
Paksha tilted his head. He leaned forward towards Ruden. His expression was soft, thoughtful I suppose.
“There were no walls, no halls, no bays. Just blue” he continued.
Paksha nodded after placing his hand on Ruden’s shoulder.
“I think you dreamed what a lot of us dream,” Paksha said. “I think it was the future you dreamed of.”
I roll my eyes. This is what I mean. But he noticed my reaction.
He laughed.
“That was lame right?” Paksha said to me. “It was, that was lame. But let me explain.”
“We’ve lived here our whole lives. Our parents, our grandparents. Their grandparents. No one who walked on our home world still lives. All we have are memories of people long gone.”
Him and several others nodded and looked downward. I found myself doing the same.
“The mission of our people is to stay strong until this ship, our last hope, arrives at the distant land that will be our new home,” he said. “So aren’t all dreams, dreams of such a future?”
“I suppose so,” I replied.
“Suppose,” Paksha replied with a smile that turned into a laugh. “I suppose too.”
I found myself smiling. I guess that’s why I dislike him: he makes sense too often.
“What’s your dream?” I asked.
He stopped and looked somewhere past everyone. “I want to be like my great great great great grandmother. She was a leader, a governor of the old world. I hope that I can lead people in the new world. Our ancestors always disagreed, but we can unite. I want everyone to be free, as far away as we can be from how we live now.”
“I hope so too,” Kreen interjected. “My great great great great grandfather was a pioneer. He brought the world together with his technology. I want to do the same. Life here is so trapped. I want to build buildings! I read about them, and I want to build ones where you can see the sky from all directions.”
“Let’s do it then!” Paksha cheered, shaking the hand of Kreen. “Even if we’re 100 when we arrive, let’s build a great future.”
I looked over at Yunara and Ruden. They smiled and joined in the conversation of what dreams they had for the future.
I felt out of place. I feel no excitement. I don’t dream, literally or otherwise. But when I look at them, they are all so excited and happy, even when surrounded by these grey walls. Maybe they’re right. What should I dream of? How do I have such a smile on my face?
————————————–
We were coming back from Education through one of the Ways. Myself, Yunara, Ruden and others were discussing what we learned today. Our lesson had been on photosynthesis. It’s an odd idea for sure. How can an organism eat sunlight? Maybe it would be easier to understand in person, because how does sunlight feel? Is it thick enough to eat?
As we walked along back to our block, we crashed into someone. He had darted out of one of the connecting corridors, dropping his papers.
It was one of the analysts. They were in charge of much of the computations involved in running the Crucible.
Yunara started helping him collect his papers, and I felt compelled to help.
“Sorry about that,” I said.
But he quickly grabbed all the papers out of our hands. He was sweating.
“It’s fine. It’s okay. Thank you.”
He was putting all the papers back together, shaking a lot.
“Are you okay?” Paksha asked.
“Better than okay,” the analyst stammered. “I have never been this excited!”
He didn’t even wait to ask us what happened.
“We found a nearby, likely suitable planet. Well… far away. But infinitely closer than our target world.”
Down both directions of the Way, all fell silent. I could feel something. Ice? Was it the sun? What did I feel that froze me in place? My mouth went dry. What did I want to say?
Then there was the explosion. The hundred or so people in the Way all screamed. Questions? Cheers? Who knows, it was all sound. Some got so close to the analyst, crushing him between each other. I even felt like I wanted to get closer. Yunara herself was yelling questions of, “Really? Where is it? Is it far?”
The analyst was overwhelmed. He struggled to hold his documents as people crowded him. Some even reached for them.
“I have to get this to the elders!” he started yelling over the hundred voices.
Paksha and Kreen pushed through the crowd, peeling people off the analyst.
“Stop this, everyone!” Paksha yelled in a voice I hadn’t heard.
“This needs to be taken to the elders, it’s too important.”
His voice was firm, but fair. It had a weight to it. It felt like the sun. It silenced all of the shouts.
The crowd froze and backed away.
“We all want to know, but right now, we need to let him do what he needs to do.”
Was it in his blood? Was he indeed his ancestor, the governor? This voice. His face. So resolute. Kreen too had such a weight to it all. Maybe not as much.
They both escorted the analyst down the Way, past walls of a cheering crowd.
————————————–
I was late joining the others. The crowd had formed in a corridor not far from our block. A vent in the ceiling had been removed, and a chain of us were standing on each other’s shoulders to get access inside the vent. I saw Yunara and the others were already among them.
Around a few bends was a room where some Elders were listening to the report from the analyst. It had been some time since any elder graced this block with their presence, and never before had there been four at once. I suppose it was that important.
The one deep in the vent was relaying all the information along the line until it reached Paksha who was the end of this eavesdropper relay standing on his shoulders. Kreen, as well as several others, relayed the news to everyone in the hall. Even Vankish was helping. He was a thin, wiry guy. He was quite the upstanding citizen. Always following the rules. Never much fun.
“He’s talking about the distance to the planet,” said Paksha, told from the vent boy on his shoulders.
“They’re mentioning how we could reach it during this generation!”
There was a brief cheering before everyone hushed each other. I wonder how old I would be when we arrived on this other planet.
For a moment, I felt an odd flutter in my body. What was it? Excitement, I suppose.
The eavesdropping lads relayed the majority of the meeting. Sometimes they would shush each other as they had to whisper in the vent.
The elders had asked about this new planet. While it was closer, the analyst stated it would be more dangerous as the route hadn’t been accounted for in the slightest. The Crucible would have to find a stable position and do at least a years’ worth of data collection, analysis, observation, and charting. But the analyst was confident he and the others could get it done sooner. So he said anyway.
“They’re done,” Paksha announced, “They said they would deliberate on this.”
He sure was excited. Most people were. Everyone was discussing how they could have their feet on actual dirt in their lives.
“What’s wrong with you?” Yunara barked at me.
She was standing over me, hands on her side, her usual face when talking down to me.
“This is big. We could be the first on a new world,” she explained.
“Yeah, I heard,” I said, not bothering to look up.
“Then why are you like this?” she replied, pointing at me sitting.
“What else did they say?” I asked, looking up at her. “The analyst said he couldn’t be certain the change would be successful.”
She paused. “Yes, he did say that. But isn’t it worth the chance?”
“He’s right.”
Looking up, and there was Vankish.
“The change in plan of this magnitude, it isn’t something to take lightly,” he prattled.
It was certainly handy to have someone else do my thinking and talking for me. I bet he felt glad to do it for me anyway.
“The Crucible has–”
“The elders are back! They finished!”
All of us had the same confused look. It had been only a few minutes.
There was a mad rush to get back to the vent. I found myself pulled along by my own feet.
“What’re they saying?” “Quiet, I can’t hear.” “Shut up everyone.”
We all stood in silence as the eavesdroppers listened in through the vents.
Then, as the information finally reached Paksha, his face shifted. We nearest to him heard what was said, but still Paksha asked the one on his shoulders to repeat himself.
“What?” Paksha asked.
“What did they say?!” Kreen yelled.
“They’re done,” the one above him reported.
“They rejected it completely,” he added.
There were murmurs and mumbling among the crowd. I felt another odd feeling in my chest. Was I sick?
‘What did they say exactly?” Paksha asked calmly.
“They said that a change in plan would be against the unified interests and thus would be rejected completely,” came a voice in the vent, past the one on Paksha’s shoulders.
Paksha’s face twisted, but returned.
The chain of people started climbing out of the vent.
“And that’s not all,” one of the other guys who had been in the vent said. “They said the idea of going to that planet is now prohibited and that the analyst would be charged for letting this information ‘outside of approved channels’.”
“They didn’t want us to know?” Kreen asked loudly.
That would sound like the case.
“Why?! Why would they do that?” Kreen asked, loudly again.
“They ARE the elders,” Vankish replied. “They know what the right thing to do is.”
“The right thing?” Kreen asked bitterly.
Several started pulling away from between these two.
“What’s right about that?!” he yelled.
Vankish backed up. And Kreen moved towards him.
Then Paksha cut between them, stopping them with a calm hand. Something compelled me, should I also get between them? My body started to move, but I couldn’t get far into the crowd.
“Stop,” Paksha said calmly, quietly. “The Elders DO know what’s best. They’ve always made just decisions before.”
Paksha pulled his hand away. He looked down with a troubled face. I had never seen this before. Again, something inside me. But I looked around and I saw many troubled faces. Are they all feeling what I feel?
“Exactly,” Vankish spoke up. “The Elders-”
“You can understand,” Paksha interrupted. “We all had dreams, and now they’re gone.”
Paksha waved around at the crowd. “We were all excited, and I think any of us are confused why he’s being punished for it.”
Was I excited? Perhaps I was. Was that what I had been feeling so much recently?
Vankish began to open his mouth but Paksha continued.
“The Elders know what they are doing,” he said, leading Kreen away with him. “But it hurts anyway.”
————————————–
Everyone’s here. The Grand Hall was filled with people. It’s rare when we’re asked to assemble here. And we even had so many from different bunches.
On the stage, several Elders had assembled. They all had their various staff and crew around them, or so I assume they are. Security staff were here also, on the stage and along the edges of the hall.
It’s rare to see elders. I had only seen two in person in my life, and each separately. And now, here were six.
One of the elders stepped forward from the others. He wasn’t one of the two I had seen.
He raised his hands and everyone went quiet. He too was silent, running his eyes along the entire room. His eyes were so wrinkled. All of the elders were old, and all had wrinkles. When would I get wrinkles? Would I ever be that wrinkled? Great wisdom is supposed to bring wrinkles though, or so I’m told.
But for a brief moment, I felt that as the elder looked through the room, his eyes met mine. It was probably my imagination.
“For many, this is the first time you have heard my voice or seen my face,” the elder started.
“So important are recent events that we, the elders, have come to bring clarity.”
There was a brief murmur in the crowd. I turned to see who it was, but it stopped before I could see.
“We understand that a technician recently brought to light a startling discovery, one which freezes the breath of the strongest of us. A possible new world, closer than our chosen one.”
There were more voices and mumblings from the crowd, but I didn’t hear the same voices I had heard earlier. The Elder waved his hands, and the voices stopped.
“In his excitement, factors were overlooked in the proposal. And after careful review, the notion that we could journey to this world was deemed radically unfeasible.”
After silencing the crowd again, the Elder continued.
“We understand how difficult it must be to hear this. We all dream of a day when we can feel the earth between our toes. We all dream of a day where we can run, slip on grass, and hurt our knees on rocks…”
He stopped. Was he crying? I swore I saw tears in his eyes.
“But we mustn’t lose faith. In your elders. In our mission. In us as people. It’s in these difficult times, times when our hope is strained and tested that we must come to-”
“WHAT HAPPENED TO THE ANALYST?!”
I joined everyone in turning to see Paksha standing. His face has a sort of anger, a sort of intensity. I had never seen it in him, or in anyone before.
Some of the Elders’ people stood up from their seats. They were halted by a hand up from the Elder.
“The analyst…” the Elder began.
I couldn’t breathe.
“He was overcome by grief, and took his own life.”
The room erupted. I couldn’t breathe. I looked over to Yunara. Could she breathe? She didn’t look like she could.
“You lie!” Paksha bellowed. “We heard what you said, that he would be punished!”
His eyes screamed fire. His nostrils flared. And with him stood others. Kreen first, and many others followed. I turned back to the stage. The Elders trembled, their eyes widened. Their people, their guards were again held back by the Elder who stood.
“It is THIS grief that pushed him. This realization of the upheaval it would bring pushed him-”
“No! You killed him!” Paksha cut him off. “You have done this before!”
The hall erupted once more. I turned to the Elder and to Yunara and to Paksha. I couldn’t breathe.
“We found what you tried to hide,” another voice screamed out.
I recognized him. He was a friend of Paksha, and his mother worked in Records and Data. His eyes had a similar fire.
“You’re doing all this to hold onto your power! You want to control us all in your little game.”
I turned back. I couldn’t breathe. Then how am I conscious? I saw the Elder had lowered his now shaking hand. His men were cutting through the crowd towards Paksha.
“Are you coming for me just as you came for all of these people?!” Paksha demanded as he waved a handful of documents. “Will you silence me as you silenced them?!”
“All will know what you have done! Will you silence us all?!”
Paksha started handing out the papers, and the faces of those reading it shifted.
Something changed. An anger. It swept across the hall as more people got to see the papers.
I can’t breathe. I can’t see. But I could see that people were standing up to stop the Elders’ men. And those men were grabbing them, shoving them out of the way. Them… Those like me. We?
“WE! We want what you tried to lie about to us!” Paksha yelled. “That thing you called evil, it’s now clear why you called it evil!”
“We want democracy!” Kreen yelled to the cheers of so many.
“We demand the right to decide our future!” Paksha roared confidently to the eruption of the room.
I couldn’t breathe. It’s all so loud. It’s all so hot. As I began to fall, I saw it on the faces and hands of the Elders’ men and us….
I saw blood.
————————————–
What happened? What happened?
We’re back in our block. How did I get back here? What happened?
Where is Yunara?!
There she was, right next to me. She was always there.
“You’re hurt,” I stammered, startled at the blood on her arms and face.
“No, I’m fine,” she corrected in a calm voice I hadn’t heard before. “This isn’t my blood.”
“What happened?” I groan out as I sit up.
“What do you think?” she muttered at me.
I looked around. Many were hurt. There was blood everywhere. Groans and anger filled the room. A few of them were crying. I turned to where it was coming from and I saw 3 people kneeling besides another. His bloodied eyes were open, looking over at me.
I waited for him to blink, and he never did.
As I realized, I found myself sliding backwards. I was running away all while our eyes remained locked. I heard Yunara’s tired yelling at me, but it was distant and muffled, like the air in vents.
Finally, I crashed.
Looking up, I saw that it was Paksha. He looked down at me before crouching down. I trembled as I looked at him. His forehead had been cut. His eyes were cold. But he sighed and reached out to me with his dirty, torn hands. I reached up, but his hands went past mine.
He grabbed me by the chin.
“Don’t look away,” he ordered as he turned me back to face the dead man’s stare.
I trembled. I shook. I could feel the blood on Paksha’s hands on my skin, running, moving, sticking my skin to his. I saw the eyes that didn’t see me. I saw the eyes of a man who died terrified, just as I was.
Next, it was brown and green I saw. Tan. A little red. I saw it through hazy eyes. It was on my hands, on my shirt, my shoes, and all over the floor.
After the shock of it all, I looked up at Paksha. His face was cold. His eyes darkened.
I had a million things I wanted to ask, but couldn’t find the words for anything.
Perhaps he knew this as he turned his head to the dead.
“Great pain and great change has been forced upon us,” he said.
I was never told more true words in my life.
————————————–
I sat motionless in my seat. I felt so heavy. Was the ship’s artificial gravity working correctly?
Kreen, myself, and several others had come to negotiate.
Across from us sat a negotiator for the Elders, with aides to either side, including Vankish. It would have felt nice to see him again, but the table between us changed things. No Elder was here, but then again, neither was Paksha.
Kreen was more intense and direct than Paksha, but that made him perfect for this job. Or so I was told.
“We’re demanding democratic referendums,” Kreen commanded, surprising me with his new vocabulary.
Someone had been doing some studying. Normally not a great student, Kreen must have finally found something to compel him.
“We want democratically elected leaders. We want a vote on all potential planets to settle on, including the one found by the analyst you have oppressed.”
He had this strength to him. He was always a strong man, but so unfocused. He could be a bully at times. But perhaps like his education, he found something to direct him.
The older man across from him, turned to those on either side of him. His eyes were tired too. Everyone was. Except Kreen. He looked alive.
“We can offer some reforms to the decision making process and greater transparency,” the negotiator replied. “But a complete change of governance would not be possible.”
“But that’s what we are demanding. We will it to be possible. The people will it,” Kreen replied.
“You’re in no position to demand so much!” an aide of the negotiator chimed in before being silenced by the negotiator.
It’s true. We had nothing on our side. We didn’t have any leverage. Though we did manage to steal some security weapons in the melee that day.
“Our position is that of our existence,” Kreen interrupted. “We have every right to demand a future that we want. For too long, the Elders have ruled unquestioned. We trusted them to make the right decisions.”
I had never seen this. This guy not even four weeks ago was hardly able to express himself in such an elegant way. Now he spoke as a leader himself.
“But the way they’ve treated that analyst for daring to give us the possibility led us to dig deeper into our own history,” he continued. “We’ve found the history of the Elders and others they silenced.”
“No one was silenced!” the aide yelled, standing up quickly.
I felt myself jump in my seat. But the Negotiator ordered his aide to sit back down.
“I can’t sir! I can’t accept this slander against our honorable leaders,” the aide continued. “These ungrateful shits only suck air because the Elders have the mercy to let them!”
The Negotiator grabbed his aide by the shoulder and forced him to sit with a jerk.
“We aren’t backing down,” Kreen continued. “We will continue to fight for our freedom from this oppressive system.”
“What oppression?” the Negotiator asked. “The Elders have led us for generations in peace. Soon we will be at our Destined World and we can finally see the futures we want.”
Kreen shook his head after a pause. His eyes looked sad, but instantly turned to determination.
“The oppression is our lack of choice,” he answered. “When have the Elders ever asked us how we wanted life to go? We’ve been waiting for this Destined World since longer than either of us.”
He spoke so cleanly. So formally. I was noticing it over and over.
“We had a new destiny form in front of us and the Elders didn’t even bother to ask us,” he continued. “And that will change, and we are the generation that will change it.”
The Negotiator breathed a small breath.
“Then you will not yield on this? You’re committed to this?” The Negotiator said. It wasn’t a question really.
“We are committed to the freedom of all,” Kreen said confidently.
The Negotiator nodded and in an instant we were surrounded. The Elder’s men had us. I looked around, my hands starting to sweat, my heart beating a storm.
But Kreen, he wasn’t like me. I looked up at him. His eyes were focused and hot. His body stood like the support beams of the ship. He didn’t tremble. He didn’t even breathe. His eyes remained locked on the Negotiator.
The Negotiator sighed and shook his head. The Elders’ people had the exit blocked, filling in behind us. They had weapons I had never seen before. The sight of them was chilling. The guns used by the security forces were scary enough, but these were bigger, requiring both hands to hold.
I froze, unable to move even as the men told me to get on my knees and put my hands up. Would they kill me? What if my body didn’t move fast enough? Was it all too late?
As my body was frozen, and I felt strong hands force me to my knees, I looked over at Kreen. He was already on the ground, the men shoving his face into the ground. And yet still he had that new face. It didn’t blink. It didn’t show pain.
Then there was the sound.
The gunfire.
I looked only at the ground. I heard the screams and saw the blood litter the small section of floor I gazed onto. I trembled, waiting for the silence of my death.
But it didn’t come.
Instead, the other kind of silence. I was scared to look anywhere but at this blood-sprayed floor tile.
“Get up.”
It took the voice a couple more tries before I finally shook.
I looked up to see Kreen standing beside me, his hand down to reach me.
My hand shakily drifted towards his, but he briskly snapped it and yanked me to my feet.
I looked around the room to see the horror I refused to look at before. Everyone was dead. The Negotiator, the Elders’ men, even two of our own. But our own had saved us. They were stripping the Elders’ dead men of their big guns and their intact sections of armor.
“Did you…” I wearily asked Kreen.
“They have done this before in the past,” he said. “The records that we found showed us that they lured in people only to capture them.”
“So I made sure we were ready.”
I didn’t say anything. What was there to say? I looked down at the Negotiator, riddled with gunfire. Vankish was being carried out by our guys, but his eyes were shaking, reddened. His thigh was bleeding from a large gunshot.
If there was no going back before, there certainly wasn’t any going back now.
————————————–
These painful steps were necessary. So I’m told.
Time is strange. Whereas my entire life up until recently was one fast blur, now my life was more blurry and more fast.
Now only weeks later our movement had spread to the other bunches. And in return, the Elders had started fighting them too. The war was forced to be smaller. No one could risk blowing open the hull of the ship or key systems.
But Paksha used that to his advantage. He moved our forward positions to critical ship areas so the Elders couldn’t storm them.
Forward positions… we’ve started sounding like soldiers. We’re still kids. But Paksha had found a student of ancient warfare in Bunch 7. He was a dickhead. We all had to listen to him and learn his tactics. Paksha said such knowledge would be essential even after we took back our destiny. So I’m told.
The Elders fought back though. Several bunches remained loyal to the Elders. And they figured out that we were always low on food and medical supplies.
Which brings me to now: Standing over Vankish. He shivered, covered in sweat. His wounds had become infected and we didn’t have the medicine or doctors to stop it. He looked up at me, his eyes full of tears.
Yunara stood behind me. She was crying before but now she was silent. She couldn’t look at him. Many ignored him completely, sickened by how loyal he was to the elders, to the very people who have been so merciless in their response to us. They were out of offers for us and instead choked us out, hall by hall. And still he was loyal to them. Still he told us to try to ask the Elders to spare us. And while the elders too offered the occasional truce, none took it.
He died.
————————————–
“It’s unfortunate,” Paksha said.
His head hung low. His face had aged. His eyes were still full of fire, but already they sunk into his head.
“That’s it?” I asked.
I saw that Yunara was about to say it herself.
“Of course not,” Paksha replied, snapping up to face me.
“It’s more words than he deserved,” Kreen chimed in.
I was instantly in his face, and his weapon was in mine.
Paksha and Yunara threw themselves between us, but really, I hardly noticed.
“He died for what?!” I screamed.
“For nothing! Like all those who side with tyrants!” Kreen screamed back.
It became so confusing. We screamed and reached for each other’s throat.
Then Kreen was punched square in the cheek.
He fell to the ground, shocked to see who had struck him. Paksha stood over him, glaring down at him. Kreen mouthed words, but nothing came out.
“Vankish didn’t die for nothing,” Paksha stated coldly. “He did what he thought was right. But he did what he did because he believed in the same lie we easily broke free from. Not everyone will be able to. And we fight so no one is ever so misled!”
Kreen flinched.
“He died for us! He died for you,” Paksha added. “In another life, one as noble as him will be noble for a more righteous cause.”
He lifted Kreen back to his feet, who remained speechless.
Paksha turned to me and Yunara who for some reason, still held onto me.
“It’s unfortunate,” Paksha said. “He shouldn’t have died. There’s no other way to say it. But we have to push on. We have to keep moving forward and trust in our cause. We have to trust that the sacrifices we’re making will lead to a future where we won’t have such tragedy. We have to trust because there is no other option.”
He certainly had a way of speaking. His voice, his eyes, his stiff shoulders. It was something. Past all the agony of the deaths we were witnessing, somehow there was a point to it all.
There had to be.
————————————–
She’s dead.
Yunara is dead.
How could I let this happen? We should have waited. But we couldn’t wait. Or so I’m told.
The Battle for the Engineering Bunch 2 had been the worst.
We lost over 720 people. And the Elderists have lost over 930. And those who hadn’t taken either side, 310 dead.
We as a species and people lost over 1960 in one week. That’s over 10% of our entire population at the start of this war.
And she was one of them. It wasn’t supposed to go this way. We were told that the Elderists would take longer to reinforce after the first fight.
We had taken the Number 2 Engineering Bunch. But it was bloody. Hundred dead on either side. We were told that the Elderists would take a few hours before they would try to take it back. Kreen had said the intel was good. Someone he trusted. Someone inside the Elderists. Or so I’m told.
She and several others were right there when it all happened. They were recovering the wounded when the Elderists stormed the entire bunch. She was caught in the crossfire.
She died instantly. Or so I’m told. That look of terror in her dead eyes. How can one die instantly if they still have such fear on their face?
We flooded into the bunch and fought them. I was there. I wasn’t ready. None of us were. Was I even there? Was it all a nightmare? So many died around me. We weren’t ready to move in. One had his pants still unbuckled as he had been using the restroom. He tripped over his pant leg and was shot as he fell out of cover.
On the fifth day, someone used an explosive. We had said we’d never use them. Or so I was told.
And the Elderists had never used them before.
It was horrifying. Bodies were shredded to pieces. Both sides caught in the blast.
Paksha has become louder, more intense. His words are full of anger at what the Elderists have done.
He tells us that what we are facing is proof of our revolution’s necessity. The Elderists have spoken only in death and so we must go forward to bring life. He says that this soil will bear the fruits of what is planted. While the Elders have planted thorny brambles that keep us imprisoned, we are planting gardens that will bring forth freedom.
Why don’t the Elders surrender? Will we have to take our destiny from the last one’s dead hands? I ask that, and yet I know that will be the only way this ends.
But I wonder to myself, if we should surrender. Did we really have it so bad? I never saw death before this. At least, not directly in front of me in an instant.
But I can’t think about this. Paksha would be upset. He and some of us talked about this. Kreen yelled at us for even thinking about it. He works so hard getting us supplies and weapons that he was insulted that we would think about giving up. But Paksha too raised his voice with us.
“We made our choice! We have to see it through to the end, as it disrespects those who won’t be there to witness the victory. It’s already cruel that we stepped over our friends’ bodies for our dream. We can’t be so cruel as to step over them again, going back, abandoning our dream!”
I don’t want to turn back and walk over her body again.
————————————–
These three months have been the darkest months I have ever witnessed. And from what I have heard from the older ones and the historians, the darkest months in our history aboard this ship. It’s been impossible to sleep ever since I witnessed space.
Another couple battles broke out between us and the Elderists. Another couple. Another couple.
Another couple battles broke out. But this time, it was in the residential blocks of Bunch 4. The Elderists attacked first, saying we were using that area to hide weapons and soldiers.
Kreen says they’re lying about the weapons and troops. Paksha had confirmed it was a lie, or so I’m told. Is it a lie? Is it true? Probably both as ever. Who’s left to care?
Both sides have done their best to not bring the war to those who refused to choose a side. We both respected this. But recently, not so much. They don’t fight with us for their future, nor with the Elderists for their present. They sit out the fight, and it’s all the same to them. But we’re the ones dying. Both we and the Elderists are trying to get the civilians to join us. Neither have much luck.
We probably won’t have much luck anymore. Not after that.
The Elderists attacked. They stormed into three of the residential blocks. There was shooting everywhere. We shot back. We shot back so quick. Perhaps there were weapons there? Or were we ready? It doesn’t matter. Will finding the blame bring them back from….that place?
The fighting was the most intense I had seen. I keep saying this. I keep saying this. The screams of people. Women, children, the geezers screamed over the sounds of fire.
We traded back and forth countless times. I was in the third push. The screaming had just kept going. Civilians died in front of me. Some killed on accident. Some on purpose? Some, probably.
After the fourth push, I was cycled out. I’m alive because of these new tactics. On the fifth push, everyone died. An explosive weapon was used. It had to be. How else did it happen?
Through the cameras, we witnessed Bunch 4’s Block 5 fill with a flash. Then the hull-wall was gone. And then all was gone. Out in space. It all disappeared. The smoke, the fire vanished. The bunks, the rooms, the walls, the kitchen, the furniture, all gone. And with them, the people. I saw the faces of such terror…a terror of an always unknown. Their faces. God, their faces. It didn’t happen so quickly that I didn’t see their faces. They clutched their throats, their loved ones, and even the ground. But all disappeared.
Then nothing. Nothing in the entire block. Empty metal and space. And Space. It was this dark storm with dark threads rushing past. It was like the rivers we learned about. It was this rushing black water flying past into nothing. How fast it was. Imagine it, a dark river that ran so fast. So fast. The people when they fell into this dark river were gone faster than they themselves knew. Was it like drowning? Did they drown in space?
Will we drown there too?
I tried to talk to Paksha about this, but he was too busy. We had to stop all fighting until engineers could send in their robots to rebuild the walls. And will they also rebuild all those people lost in that river?
————————————–
I had to focus on me. And I did. I killed. Finally. I did it. I see their faces. I had always pulled away when I shot. But this time I couldn’t. I had to kill. I had to kill. So I’m told.
————————————–
1341 dead. We’re finally making considerable progress. But we have lost so many. People don’t celebrate. It’s because we’re tired. Soon we will be done. Soon we can laugh again.
————————————–
1106 dead. 298 of ours. 607 Elderists. 201 civilians. We have recruited more people than usual.
————————————–
2000 dead. We lost 312. Elderists 581. Civilians…1,107. We have become so cruel. But after the war, we’ll find ourselves again. I miss the cafeteria.
————————————–
453 civilians died and 911 Elderists died. They’ve become desperate. We’re surrounding the last portions of them, and they suspect all the civilians as spies. They put them on trial for anything.
————————————–
821 more are dead. It was true, by the way. We did have spies among the civilians, or so I’m told. They’ve cut off the Elderists from each other. Finally, we’ll have our peace, the peace that Paksha brought us.
————————————–
Tomorrow will decide everything.
I can’t sleep. Do I want to sleep? Do I want to sleep and never wake up so I won’t know what comes next? No, I just want to sleep. I can’t think straight sometimes.
Tomorrow will be everything.
————————————–
We shut the large doors behind us. The battle continued back there.
Kreen, Paksha, and I all breathed a sigh of relief. It was over. Past these next doors were the last of the Elders. All that remained was to arrest them and finally we could put this war behind us. What’s left of us…
This room was a small waiting chamber, polished and pristine. The three of us were covered in filth and blood. We all took a moment to lean against a wall and catch our breath.
Paksha and Kreen both smiled. I tried to smile back, but it felt too forced. My body ached too much for that.
We all stood back up after our pause. Then a critical question rolled into my head.
“What will we do if they fight back? There’s only three of us,” I asked.
“They don’t have any weapons in there. They’re elderly. We shouldn’t have a problem,” Paksha answered.
“Besides,” Kreen added, “We don’t need to arrest all of them.”
I looked back at Paksha upon hearing this. His face was stone. He didn’t look at me. He only looked at the door onward.
“Paksha?” I asked.
“It may come to that,” Paksha answered, looking back at me.
A static filled the room. We all raised our weapons and scanned the room. Speakers were on the ceiling, and below them, where the walls met the ceiling, were several cameras.
“Young men,” a voice came out, a voice of one of the elders within.
“We are men!” Paksha bellowed back. “You’re old men.”
“Very well. The distinction matters,” replied the voice.
“Will you really follow through on this?” the voice asked.
“Absolutely,” Kreen replied.
“Why? Why is this so important?” the voice inquired.
It was a stern voice, but it had cracked with age. It reminded me of an old man that lived in our bunch when I was a kid.
“Because we have a right to our own destiny.” Paksha answered, proudly looking up at the cameras. “We’ve lived under your control for long enough. We have no say in your system and we will take that say even by force.”
Kreen also stood proudly, glaring up at the cameras.
“By force?” the voice asked. “You will administer your system by force?”
“We won’t be you. We’ll give it to the people to decide,” Paksha replied.
“I see,” the voice replied. “And what do you think they will choose?”
“They will pick the truth,” Paksha announced boldly. “They will pick freedom. They will pick their own future that works the best for them.”
“You there, the quiet one,” the voice called.
It took me a moment to realize they were speaking to me.
“Y-yes?” I answered, my mouth dry.
“What do you think the truth is?” the voice asked.
I stood there for a moment. A long moment. Kreen finally spoke up.
“No, I want to answer,” I interrupted him.
I looked up at the cameras too, but somehow I couldn’t muster the strength to stand like the other two did.
“The truth is that we should have the right to choose our future,” I answered.
“Certainly, that’s the truth you’ve been told,” the voice replied. “But perhaps so. You will choose your future one way or another.”
The cameras looked at me. Did they? It felt like they were looking directly at me.
“There is nothing left to discuss,” the voice concluded. “Come choose your future.”
Looking back now, I can’t explain why what happened happened.
————————————–
“What the fuck have you done?!” Kreen screams at me.
He lies on his side, holding what was left of his foot.
I swing my shotgun back at Paksha. He’s slumped back against a wall, his hands up.
But then he grabs for my weapon. I yank it back and up, and pull the trigger. It blows a chunk out of the wall centimeters from his head.
I step back, snapping my weapon back to Kreen. And back to Paksha. He still had his hands up.
I step back. I snap back to Kreen.
And back to Paksha.
“P..please don’t do this,” Paksha pleads, his hands up.
I hit his thigh really badly. Blood was pouring out. He slowly and clumsily started tying his shirt around his leg. Kreen tries to make a move towards him, but my shotgun pointing at him sits him back down.
“Please don’t,” Paksha pleads again.
“No. Now it’s my turn to speak,” I declare. “I’m stopping this now.”
“Who elected your democracy?” I ask, pointing my weapon back at Paksha.
“What?” Paksha groans.
“When did the people decide on implementing your view?” I clarify.
“By joining our fight. That was their vote,” Paksha grunted as he adjusted his seating.
“Bullshit. You decided for them,” I bark at him. “You could have been content with the Elders’ wisdom.”
“Why the hell would I?” Paksha spat out, glaring up at me.
“They’re smarter than we are,” I answer. “All we had are ideals. Do you know if the Crucible’s engines run on ideals?”
“What’re you talking about?” Kreen spoke up, my shotgun switching over to him. “We have engineers too. They know how to run the ship.”
“There are more people in this room than we have engineers on our side,” I remind them. “They’re almost all dead. And what happens when we have a problem that our two smartest people can’t fix? And for what? Democracy? Electing? You rid us of them. Was that decided democratically as well?”
“You have no idea…” Paksha hisses as he shudders.
“Save your strength. I have more to say,” I order with the power of the gun.
“He’s dying!” Kreen screams at me.
“Yes. He is,” I reply.
Switching my target back to Paksha. His eyes are getting heavy. His blood is forming a large pool.
“How many Elders did you kill?” I ask him. “How much unwritten knowledge did you destroy? And now you want to kill more?”
“For what? A closer planet?” I continued. “You risked everything for that? All these people? All of the remaining us? We had our mission. But you couldn’t trust it. You trusted yourself.”
“That’s a good thing.” Paksha hisses. His eyes open fully as he tries in vain to stand.
“So you’re told,” I hiss back. “But you’re wrong.”
“Please try to think for 10 fucking seconds,” I continue. “We started with just under seventeen thousand people on this ship. Now we have only a little over five thousand.”
Paksha freezes.
“And of those, how many are elderly and children? Most. And how many of the skilled workers and experts have we lost? Most!” I scream at him.
Paksha trembles.
“TELL ME!” I continue. “Tell me who elected a possible extinction event?! Who are you to make that call?”
Paksha’s expression softens.
“My god…” Paksha utters. “If only they had surrendered. If only the Elders listened.”
“Oh if only you got your way immediately,” I spit at him.
Paksha trembles clearly. His eyes dampen, but he doesn’t cry.
“No! It’s bullshit,” Kreen screams as he tries to lunge for me.
I step back and let him fall in front of me. I have put myself in a corner, but Kreen is gushing blood from his ankle. And Paksha simply sits and shakes pathetically.
“I…. I…. “ Paksha mumbles.
“That’s it. I. It’s all you ever have in mind,” I interrupt.
I swallow. My lips are dry. But for the first time, my body feels light.
“Say, do you remember that day the wall blew out? That day when we saw space?” I ask Paksha. “Do you remember that black river? That inky river. Can you imagine the pain those people must have felt? To be lost in that current of infinite darkness… Can you imagine how scared they must have been? Can you imagine how agonizing it must have been to die in space?”
Paksha looks off, shaking his head.
“No,” he says. “I can’t imagine.”
“I imagine it every day,” I reply.
I raise my shotgun up at Paksha’s head. He’s startled briefly before relaxing, letting out a deep breath.
“No, you fucking bastard,” Kreen grumbles.
“Oh would you please shut the hell up?” Paksha shouts.
Kreen freezes up, watching Paksha calmly look back up at the weapon pointed at him
“I can’t let you live,” I say.
Paksha nods.
“Ivanushka, I hope you can make things right,” he says to me.
“I hope so too.”
Paksha smiles.
Then I shot his head off.
————————————–
I remember it every day, every hour, nearly every minute. Twenty-six years later and still those days are in vivid color in my memory. Every day, I kill Paksha all over again. Every day, I see Yunara, Vankish, even Ruden. Every day I see those people sucked into space to die in the darkness.
Even Kreen. I remember making the announcement that the war was over, while I had my gun in his ear. I remember him ordering all of the remaining insurrection forces to stand down. I remember how instead the war continued for another month before the Elderists prevailed.
I still see him from time to time. He still wears that scowl. He never lets me forget his hatred. But he knows he is alive thanks to me.
After the war ended, Kreen was to be sentenced to death. And he should have been executed. But I insisted he be made a living example of our mercy. And he has indeed changed his views with time. But that anger will be there forever.
This ship, the Crucible, and its mission were created five generations ago. The Elders of then knew the changing tides of thought were ever flowing. They knew it would take intense solidarity to keep people united for the journey to a new world hundreds of years away.
Their solution was “The Flux”. It was an automated program that would create tests for each generation. These tests would see if we had the resolve and unity to carry on. It was the Flux that lied that day, saying there was a nearby planet. The ensuing chaos was that test.
When the Elders told me this, I nearly turned the weapon on them. But they explained the gravity of it all. If people were unwilling, unable, or simply too inept, then the test would fail. We would all die. Death would be assured anyway, and it would simply be a matter of waiting. Everything hinged on us. Everything. And if we succeed, we can only work to refine ourselves.
I didn’t feel like success at first. From what I understand, we had the worst performance on the Flux. No other generation stumbled as hard as we did. But it could have been worse. It’s not even comforting to say that.
After I was made an Elder, I was tasked with finding ways to better galvanize our unity. I told them that the people needed to know how vital our mission was. I asked them to tell the people about the Flux.
There was great resistance to this. Their system of silent adherence had served them well before, but my generation’s performance showed the flaws in the approach.
As our population slowly grows back towards prewar numbers, more are being educated on the necessity for unity. The Crucible’s mission is made even more clear to our people, and we have seen less and less with the aberrant thoughts seen in Kreen and Paksha. However, we have noticed more and more people develop a sense of religious reverence for the Flux and the Crucible itself.
We’re heading off this new development. I have confidence that we’ll set our unified people on the right course. We still have many more generations to go before we reach our new home. And many more tests from the Flux.
For we have only two choices. We can succeed or we can all drown in that dark river. We will succeed. I will make this happen. We will make this happen. So I know.
Anlov Record 